The topic of microaggressions was a new one to me. I have experienced them but I never knew they had a name. The best way to describe a microaggression is by saying that they are those small comments or acts that are insulting but not on purpose. For example, imagine a woman discussing her diet with an acquaintance and during the conversation, she tells the acquaintance she is a vegan. The other woman responds by saying, "Wow, I never would have guessed you were a vegetarian because you seem so well put together." Now, "well put together" is not an insult but the hidden message in there is that most vegetarians are not well put together.
Please pardon the example, I hold nothing against vegetarians, I am simply trying to give an example of a microaggression. Many times these statements are made with regards to people's race or sexual preference but personally, I have experienced them in normal everyday situations that I experience as a wife and mother. Back when I was a stay at home mom, people used to ask me what I did for a living and after telling them I stayed home with my kids, I was often greeted with smiles and "Oh, that must be nice". Now I remember at the time feeling not important because I couldn't share work stories or anything with my working friends and in this kind of situation, I always felt like the person asking would not be able to understand me at all so why try to explain. BUT the reality of the situation was that staying home was nice, but it also required a lot of sacrifice. There was a person kind of being condescending about me not having a job, while my husband and I were going without many things so I could stay with my kids and sow seeds into them as people.
My experiential reality was definitely invalidated during this time and now looking back, I realize why I felt caught and never knew what to say. I did not want to be insulting back, but I also did not want the person I was talking with to completely misunderstand me. This week was a very eye-opening week. It changed my perspective and made me want to try to be very careful about what I say.
When I read your example it made me think about the comments I know I have received about being a teacher. Many times the comments are either, " Oh that must be nice." or " Oh nice! summers off!" I always hated getting those comments because it made me think they thought my job was easy, but as we all know it is very challenging to reach all of our children. Thank you for sharing your example!
ReplyDeleteHi, Cari! Your example made me think of the past comments I have received as well. I am working part time so that I can stay at home with my child and homeschool him. When people learn about this, they often say, "you dream of being a housewife? Isn't that a waste of your education and skills". Once, a former colleague of mine learned that I chose to stay at home and home school my child. She immediately stood up and hugged me tight and with sad eyes said, "I am so sorry to hear that... I never thought you will have financial difficulties." I was so surprised. I want to stay at home and be a hands on mom because I want to leave a Godly legacy behind and this is what I really want to most; and it is not something to be sad/sorry about. We are not to assume that people who homeschool cannot afford to pay school tuition. Thank you for your post!
ReplyDeleteCari,
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. I think now I have a name for those uncomfortable experiences I have when certain comments are made about me. I used to think they were weird, sometimes I know they are meaningless and others hurtful, but I did not know they were called microaggressions. I think the difficult part about microaggressions is that the perpetrator is not aware of the hurt they are inflicting on their victims and for the victim, it is hard to come to grip with the person’s meaning. What did he/she exactly mean? I have a friend who stays home with his daughter, and we always say how nice it is. Unlike our other stay home friends. He does not do many house chores. He truly spends quality time with his daughter, and we are all so jealous. He is the first one to witness every milestone and his eyes just light up when he tells us stories about his daughter. So, we are indeed jealous because we know his “in-home reality." Does this mean a microaggression in one case can be a complement in another? Talking about eye-opener, this week has been such a learning experience. We are all reminded to think before we speak. Thank you for sharing.
I have enjoyed every comment made to this post. I as well never knew what to call the comments that have been made to me, to others in my presence, and to be quite honest a few that I have made myself when I have spoken without thinking first. I think we have all learned a great deal this week about microaggressions!
ReplyDeleteCari,
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to how you felt. I have been a stay at home mom off and on for years. I had a close friend comment in passing that he believed that stay at home moms were a waste. I don't think he realized that what he was saying would include me. I was so hurt but I never said anything to him. Years later when his wife had her 1st child, she quit her job (after just completing her master’s degree) and never returned to work. His view point totally changed when he and his wife had children. They are now home schooling.
I believe that many people make comments like this out of ignorance. If they had a chance to walk a moment in our shoes they might see things differently.